Do female friendships fix you?

One late night as I prepared myself to sleep, my phone vibrated. Nobody calls me this late. It was my sister crying on the other end. “He insulted me and spoke to me very badly. I am feeling hurt.” She cried on and on taking breaks to tell me what had happened. Eventually, she calmed down but when I thought about it again one day, i was reminded me that female friendships know no boundaries.  They cross the borders of income, ethnicity and age where just the word female is enough to bind them and

provide a place to return to. Like Alice Adams, a novelist says "I think women know how to be friends, that's what saves our life". And I myself have seen females saving each other in the simplest and direst of situations. There are layers to it but care lies at the core of them all. For example, if 20 women are in a room, by the time they leave, they will have left with stories of others' friends, found someone mutual, stories of courage, and healing. Although their opinions may differ they will find refuge in the stories they leave with.

Currently, I am at that stage where my go-to circle is only about women I have known throughout my life. Which includes my friend from UKG to a friend I made a few months ago at a workplace. I remember this friend from UKG who came from a family with a better economic status and never let me feel inferior in any way. In 1st std, our sections changed and on a heavily pouring day in Vishakhapatnam, we were being sent off from school in the middle of the day. It happened to be her birthday and we both were searching for each other in that chaos. Me to wish her, and she to give me the chocolates. In spite of losing touch for almost 10 years, we still found each other one day on Facebook. We both kept searching for each other, sometimes giving up yet resuming again. It was an incomplete friendship because by the time we understood we were friends and missed each other, we were out of touch after an initial few letters. Maybe that’s why there always remained a feeling of holding on to this friendship.

A very close school friend and I happened to be part of the same group of girls in 8th standard. It was a fairly large group of 8-10 girls from the same class but different sections. We met during lunch, discussed stuff, and played ‘tree to tree’. This friend, let's call her ‘Ee’, has always been a smart and sensible female with a straightforward way of putting across things. But somehow not all of us in the group got along. We both, joined by another friend ended up forming a smaller group as we started hanging out more within ourselves. We still remained friends with whoever in the previous group we got along with but this small group eventually went on to an all-girls trip to Udaipur and ended up arguing about something Ee didn't like. There was an action and reaction but there was no place for an ego. This same ego, I believe was the reason that caused the previous bigger group to fizzle into smaller groups later. Over the period things got better. Nobody took it too seriously, apart from that moment and maybe until a few more days. Ana M. Martinez, the author of “College Women’s Female Friendships: A Longitudinal View,” assessed female friendship as a site for different perspectives and opportunities to grow “a site for assessing the meaning of self and of reality, a site for the experience of different perspectives and viewpoints, and an opportunity for growth through interdependency.” The incident gave way to introspection regarding hanging out together in the future in a more defined plan of do’s and don’ts in my actions. It had nothing to do with we will never meet again or how could you do this but more of let's take our time to think about what happened and sleep over it. What's the fun in not having an occasional fight? Years later we still get on calls, share pictures, give compliments and take care of each other sitting in different cities, miles apart. She is that friend who still keeps our picture as a DP on WhatsApp all through my birthday week and no wonder what has been going on, its a friendly reminder of how loved I am.

Then there are friends who come from the same workspace you come from and share a common passion for something you do - individually and together. Talking to them is a motivation, especially concerning areas of career and dealing with workplace situations. These are no longer about just distress calls but also about helping choose the right words for resignation emails. In a study called Feminism and Psychology, it was found that female friendships are “a site of ease, escape and refuge.”  Females being great listeners and advisors, like to listen first and then choose to give advice. Before writing that resignation email, ask any female, there would have always been a discussion, weighing of pros and cons, pointers of settlement and a motive to find a better opportunity. This brings in a certain emotional intimacy which not only helps pour out your heart but also generates happy chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. But with emotional intimacy also comes happy competitiveness. That competitiveness usually lies in lifting up each other and pushing to do better.

Every Diwali is an occasion to come together as a family for all my cousins. The girls especially find a refuge to confide and talk about topics ranging from female pleasure to the ‘bad nazar’ affecting marriages. Three of us females have shared an on-and-off bond when we go back home after every time we meet. This sisterhood cum friendship comes from a place of non-judgement in a mixture of laughter, emotions and curiosity. Lights off, huddled up on a single bed in one corner of the room we whispered away our gossip and advice while the male cousins occasionally entered the room wondering and laughing at how we behaved as little girls with secrets. 

Female friends sure crib about one person not calling the other or not picking up calls and cancelling trips but when they are connected and together, they are there, moving mountains for each other. While a lot of my friends, including me agree that female friendships have a lot of drama, I have come to realise that over time, the drama fades away from a negative space to a friendly banter. At times when offence is shared, females are emotional and overthinking creatures. After a certain age, in most cases, they would rather speak up and try to resolve what's bothering them than carrying it forward. While average female friendships last 16 years, it is the equilibrium and balance that is required to remain friends for life. Although female friendships closely address complex issues - happy and sad, they know the amount of effort and involvement a female friendship needs. 

Female friendships stand for power, providing a positive impact on overall wellbeing, from reducing stress and anxiety to improving immune function and self-esteem. It is a place of comfort, safety and courage while cultivating an environment for having a free spirit during shared experiences.